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Martha’s Matzoh Mansion

matzo houseIf you’ve spent any time on Planet Earth, you won’t be surprised to hear that the matzoh house (excuuuuuse me, the “wonderful addition to any Seder table”) pictured above is by none other than Martha Stewart. Generally speaking, any table decor that’s more architecturally ornate and more beautifully landscaped than my own actual house MUST be the work of Martha.

What might surprise you, however, are the instructions. Creating this kosher castle, according to the website, can be accomplished in FOUR STEPS.

Yup, that’s right, just four steps – which is ridiculous, even by Martha standards. I mean, this thing has topiaries in the yard. It has shingles and a cobblestone path and a pediment over the door. There’s a BIRD perched on the chimney, for crying out loud! Four steps, my a$$.

Nevertheless, my good friend Anna from Random Handprints went temporarily insane and decided to construct one of these things.

It’s important to note here that you might remember Anna from such craftfails as her mangled matzoh manicure, or her dreidel cookie disaster, or perhaps her infamous glitter pumpkins. To say she’s had experience with less-than-perfect crafts and recipes is like saying that I get a little chuckle out of her less-than-perfect crafts and recipes. Huge understatement.

For this project she started with the cardboard infrastructure, which her mother took two days to measure and assemble, ensuring it was exactly the size of a sheet of matzoh since you can’t break them (Martha failed to mention that small obstacle in her tutorial).

Then, per Martha’s instructions, Anna slathered the cardboard house in melted chocolate and stuck the matzoh on.

Except, it didn’t stick. Because matzoh is, you know, bumpy, and wasn’t made to stick to vertical surfaces. (Martha didn’t mention that, either.)

matzoh house phase 1

At this point Anna probably started wondering if Martha had ever even seen matzoh before, let alone crafted with it, but she forged ahead and decorated the house/ramshackle crap heap anyway. She started with frosting to make the candy stick, but she only had one kind in her pantry.

funfettiOh good, Christmas funfetti frosting? That should be perfectly appropriate for a Jewish holiday craft! I bet you can imagine how awesome it looked, too. But, at least the kids seemed to be having fun.

matzoh house in process

That’s practically exactly like Martha’s version, right? Oh well – HOORAY! for crafting with the kids, but BOOO! for dealing with kids that are high on sugary candy that wouldn’t stick to the frosting (which, for the record, they also ate). Hopefully they’ll calm down by next Passover.

matzo house nailed it

For more funny and more failing, follow Robyn over to Hollow Tree Ventures!

4 Responses to Martha’s Matzoh Mansion

  1. Lucy says:

    Anna’s version has much more personality!

  2. Jenni says:

    It’s totally not Anna’s fault – Martha is NOTORIOUS for leaving important steps out of the directions so your at-home creations never look as good as hers!

  3. Anna says:

    Aw, Lucy and Jenni, you know how to make a girl feel better. Thank you, I will believe you, it’s not me it’s Martha!

  4. yenta says:

    A for effort!!

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